Why Kids Don’t Always Listen (And What to Do Instead)

You call their name once, twice. By the fifth time, you’re wondering if you’ve accidentally turned invisible. Sound familiar? You’re not alone. Every parent knows the moment — you’re asking nicely, but your child is completely absorbed in… well, anything but your voice. It’s easy to label it as defiance. But often, it’s not disobedience at all — it’s development.

Children aren’t born with fully wired “listening brains.” They’re learning how to tune in, process, and respond — while juggling an imagination the size of a small galaxy. And sometimes that galaxy is just a little louder than you.

Let’s take a deep breath (yes, you too) and look at what’s really happening — and what we can do instead.

🧠 Why Kids Don’t Always Listen

1. Their Brains Are Still Under Construction

The part responsible for focus, impulse control, and forward planning — the prefrontal cortex — is still developing well into the teenage years. So, when you say, “Put your shoes on,” your child might hear, “Continue investigating that fascinating lint under the couch.”

2. Their World Feels Bigger Than Ours

A puddle, a Lego tower, reading a book, or even a daydream about space tacos — all of it can completely swallow a young mind. When they’re deep in play, it takes real effort to switch gears.

3. Emotions Hijack Hearing

Tired, hungry, overstimulated? The brain’s language-processing area temporarily goes offline. That’s why a meltdown often follows a “Didn’t you hear me?” moment — their emotional brain has taken the driver’s seat.

4. Our Tone and Timing Matter

If a child senses frustration in our voice or feels scolded, their natural defense systems kick in. It’s not rebellion; it’s biology. When humans (big or small) feel unsafe, we protect — not process.

So if it’s not stubbornness, what actually helps?

💞 Parenting Tip: Connection Before Correction

When children feel connected — truly seen and understood — their brain shifts into cooperation mode. It’s what psychologists call co-regulation, and what every parent knows as “That magical moment when they actually listen.”

Try these small shifts:

• Get close. Move into their space gently. Kneel beside them instead of calling from the kitchen.

• Say their name softly. “Hey, Maya — can I tell you something?” It invites, not commands.

• Notice before you direct. “That tower looks incredible! When you’re done, we’ll need to get ready for bed.”

• Empathise first. A quick “I know it’s hard to stop when you’re having fun” can open ears faster than a lecture ever could.

• Stay calm and steady. Your calm helps regulate theirs. When you whisper, they often lean in.

  
  

Why it works: when children feel emotionally safe, their prefrontal cortex (the thinking, listening, planning bit) comes online. That’s when real learning — and listening — happens.

🧰 What to Try Instead: A Mini Listening Toolkit

Ages 3–5: Turn Directions into Games

Make directions fun! Use playful language like, “Robot arms to the table!” or “Who can hop to the bathroom first?” Playfulness lowers resistance and keeps connection alive.

Ages 6–9: Offer Simple Choices

Give them options. Try asking, “Do you want to brush your teeth before or after pyjamas?” Choice gives a sense of control — and cooperation follows.

Ages 10–12: Collaborate

Engage them in the process. Ask, “What’s your plan for wrapping up that level before dinner?” It respects their growing independence while still keeping boundaries clear.

⏰ Start-in-5-Minutes Tip

Create a little “listening ritual.” It could be a secret handshake, a code word (“banana pants!”), or a shared look that means, “I’m talking to you now.”

Who remembers our teachers and the catch cry "Hands on heads"? Not only did it command attention, but it was sorta fun too...right? When used consistently and kindly, a ritual becomes a bridge between worlds — from play to partnership.

🌈 A Gentle Reminder

We all struggle to listen sometimes — adults included. When we’re tired, distracted, or stressed, we miss cues too. Kids are just smaller humans learning the same skill.

So instead of “Why won’t you listen?”, try “What’s getting in the way of you hearing me right now?” The shift from blame to curiosity changes everything.

Because when kids feel heard, they’re far more likely to hear us. And that’s where true cooperation begins — not from control, but from connection.

Love,

Luma

💛 (Helping you find calm, one messy, marvellous moment at a time.)

---wix---